Parenting a "porcupine" child, Part 2

On Abby’s last day of kindergarten, I picked her up and we went for a treat. She was so excited and said "today was my last day of school." I responded something about yes until August. She looked me dead in the eyes and said no, I’m done with school.

Some teachers were kinder than others, and some teachers were more willing than others to use differentiated instruction, accept alternative projects or papers, or allow Abby to use her own strengths.

Then there were teachers who felt that she could do more if she tried harder. Her fourth grade teacher sat in front of the class one day with a stack of Abby’s papers, and a stamp that said "Messy." The teacher picked up each paper, showed the class and stamped messy on every page. Abby came home in tears, humiliated by an educator who had promised to teach every child who came through their door.

Homework was a daily battle in our home. It would take me 30 minutes to an hour just to get through the tantrums and get Abby to the table to start homework. Some days these included laying on the floor and kicking, or screaming, or flopping like a rag doll. Some days homework took 15 minutes. Other day is it took two hours. There were days I wrote a note to a teacher saying we could not finish. Teachers did not understand what I went through every single day.

Abby failed algebra in ninth grade, 10th grade, and 11th grade. I honestly thought she would not get a high school diploma but there was a student teacher her senior year who tutored her through that course. Ironically she passed the CAHSEE math test the first time she took it. Her response, "Mom, it wasn't about math, it was about eliminating the bad choices and making educated guesses."

It was only as an adult that Abby told our family, how hard high school was. She ditched classes, spent time in the nurses office, or would find a quiet place to read. Many teachers worked with her to give her additional time, but she did not always advocate for herself. It was only in 10th grade that we had her retested, and this time she qualified for special education services. Even then, well-meaning, special ed teachers would pull her out of classes to help her in reading, and not help her math at all. She was not strong enough to fight with the specialists to get the help she needed. Abby loved the extra curricular parts of high school and was determined to stay in school and stay involved. We are grateful. She had some helpful teachers that supported her finishing her diploma.

Her struggles with conceptual math continued into her adult life. Abby was a young adult when she decided to double a cookie recipe. I came home to burnt cookies and asked what happened. She had doubled the recipe correctly, doing all of those fractions. Then she had doubled the cooking time. Her brain just struggled with math concepts and logic. She never give up, but math was never easy.

For college, Abby tried multiple attempts at taking classes. She tried several semesters at three different community colleges, but failed most classes. She finally found an online college where she could take one class at a time in that setting, she was finally successful. I have to say she was one of the bravest students I know - most of us would have given up our dream and settled for second best.

My daughter became an accomplished photographer, and was working on her psychology degree when she was diagnosed with cancer. Her story ended at the age of 29, but the lessons she taught live on.

Here are the realities as a parent.

1. Most teachers of children with disabilities are not parents of children with disabilities. They don’t understand what you live through at home. They don’t understand that disabilities affect so many parts of life, and his parents we are just trying to get through each day.

2. Most teachers children with disabilities, have a basic education in teaching, but becoming an accomplished education specialist takes years and years of experience. Your child will have some teachers who just don’t know all of the strategies yet.

3. Find a way to communicate with each teacher that works for you and them. Some teachers use an app, others respond to emails or text.

4. Do your homework. Does the school have an online portal where you can check attendance and grades? Check up on your child, and hold them accountable.

5. Do not allow the disability to become an excuse for not trying in life. Life is never going to get easier for your child - it only continues to get harder. Do not baby them or do everything for them, and do not allow them to just stay at home because it is easier on you.